There have been many a time especially in the last 6 months maybe even more when there has just been no joy in my life. I just felt like I was an empty shell, there were times that I could try to keep on top of my feelings but deep down I was so lost. I read, you name it and I read it but I was always different, I prayed, I cried, but nothing could take away this darkness that was surrounding me. Where was the joy and peace that others felt?

I was in a constant battle everyday, food that I used to enjoy became tasteless, nightmares began, sleepwalking and every time I read my Bible I was able to condemn myself even more. I praise Yahweh that I am able to sit here and try to relate to you my rising from the depths of despair to where I am now.

A bit of back ground for you then I can begin to relate to you that YES!!! There is a time for everyone, Yahweh knows that time, no book or sermon or uplifting friends or family can make you feel good, even when you first accept Yah'shua there has to be a time of dying, the new you is there but the old has to die.

Yes I knew that Yah'shua was My Saviour but I could not "see" or "feel" my Saviour's love for me. I pray that if you are sitting reading this and you have a small idea of how I felt. I hope that I can help you to have hope.

My big mistake was trying to do it all myself. My prayers felt empty, my heart was numb and all I felt like was that was beaten, anything that I had thought was ever part of me was closed down, I was not good enough to ever be a Child of Yahweh. My faults, my weaknesses, my past, haunted me. Was I ever re-born? Not to my mind. I was lost in a wilderness and to me I was dead. If Love was unconditional then why was I feeling weak and condemned? Satan knew my weaknesses and trust me he used everyone to confirm this to me, loved ones, family, things I read you name it and more.. that my pit just got bigger and bigger.

I came to realize now looking back that it is not in my hands when the time is right.Yah'shua leads and guides us to that moment. PRAISE YAHWEH!!!!!!! I was suicidal, beaten, humiliated and I just felt DEAD!!! I lost weight, hope and most of all Peace.

When I was a child all I wanted was to be loved for me, just me, that unconditional Love that I was able to give to my children, but life is not like that. This old battle that I was fighting I thought I had conquered and won! But all I had done was deal with the surface level and Yah'shua had to expose the core.

I was one of those children that no matter what I did wrong, I was caught!! In fact all my life I have felt like that, any issue that I had was always exposed...others could hide their faults and be able to justify their actions but not me! PRAISE YAHWEH that this is so a gift in my life for Yah'shua was protecting me from hiding and justifying my actions. Where I thought things had been forgiven all I had done was bury the hurt and closed that hurt from my memory.

Let me tell you that issues are not meant to be buried - they have to be dealt with as all I was doing was closing the door to Yah'shua which I thought I had opened. My biggest enemy was myself. I had lost trust in everyone that was part of me, all I felt was used there was no love there. I felt controlled by my family, my friends, if I did what they wanted me to do then all was ok but if I wanted to break out and show a part of me I was interrupted, put down, you name it, there was no-one that did not try to change me to their ways, or try to justify their thoughts and reasons that I could not feel free, no matter what, no matter what I tried to do. I was never good enough.. and you know what really I was not for I was trying to please them not Yah'shua.

Yes! We all know what a good Christian should do and willpower is very powerful in some people's lifes but if it is all done to honour a label and not Our SAVIOUR..then trust me you shall FALL.

Watch the movie The Devils Advocate - this shows a part of the way that satan uses us in our carnal weaknesses and if our hearts are not glorifying YAH'SHUA then satan had many doorways to use.

I hope that this is enough back ground for you, when you read this. Details on exactly what happened to me are insignificant, what affects me can be being done to you in other ways and still give you the feelings of despair and no hope...

Now we get to the good part. There is HOPE always. NEVER FORGET THAT!!!!! You have been bought and paid for in FULL: THROUGH THE PRECIOUS BLOOD OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR, YAH'SHUA, AMEN!

Get to know your enemy even if your enemy is YOU!!!! I always felt from a young age uneasiness when people wore masks but the worst mask of all is the one that we ourselves wear and many 'others' that you think are doing good. How can you find the Truth when what you believe about yourself is LIES. Ask for them to be revealed. Do not let satan win.

When I closed my eyes at night I would see eyes looking at me, I was always having the feeling of being watched and my body was in a state of paranoia and panic. Sleep-walking and nightmares were a daily occurrence. I had an experience with my family and I felt like I was in a whirlpool of anger, distrust and hate. Not mine I was observing this; it was like my eyes were open to witness this. I came from this experience very withdrawn and emotionally beat, it made me see the evil presence that surrounds us all.

So back to the eyes part - what I was using to see myself was not My Saviour's Eyes; I was seeing myself through the eyes that satan wanted to see myself. YAH'SHUA was not going to let this go on any longer; a miracle was bestowed upon and I was able to see myself through THE EYES OF YAH'SHUA. AMEN AMEN AMEN!

When it came to Deliverance I was very persistent, this was no idle matter for me, this was Life or Death. I knew I needed help and that path was revealed to me. I knew where I had to go to get the help that I needed and YAH'SHUA had prepared insights to my situation to the person that I sought help from. There was no time for idle chit-chat, now was the time for Deliverance and I had to do it then - normally I am not pushy but had to say what I was feeling, etc., and let YAH'SHUA take my hand and that was what was done for me.

I knew that my head had to be covered and this was not to be where I was advised to do prayers etc. I knew that action was going to be taken. When I closed my eyes what I saw was eyes, then there was a red whirlpool tunnel {the only way that I can think of to describe} - this tunnel was endless, I could feel fear as I was looking into it. We went straight into prayer and I was able to feel calmer. The vividness of the spiral red endless tunnel was lessening then I saw female eyes looking at me. The eyes died, I saw the woman and it looked like she had died, was the woman me. At that time I do not know. I then saw the tunnel again and there was a dim light coming through that was drawing me towards it. The tunnel was very deep. I was surrounded by red and I was just being pulled closer and closer towards it. This tunnel was the pupil of an eye and that eye was the eyes of a man.

I now saw myself and it was like looking at myself sleeping but I looked so at peace and beautiful that I started to sob. YAH'SHUA was revealing what I was through His eyes. I was surrounded by light that was turning over my past like waves of the ocean, darkness was being turned in to light like opening up a page of darkness and the pain was being washed away, waves upon waves of light and peace.

I saw the hand of YAH'SHUA and I knew that I had to come unto Him. I saw myself like a baby in the womb, connected to the placenta, surrounded with waves of light above me, under me I was surrounded by the Light of YAH'SHUA. I knew that I had to be born but parts of me wanted to go and others wanted to stay safe and protected. What was revealed to me was YAH'SHUA showing me that I was always connected. I was My SAVIOUR'S baby. I was loved and no matter where the eyes of deceit led me to. My GLORIOUS SAVIOUR was always there in ALL WAYS and IN ALL THINGS. YAH'SHUA lifted me up with open hands. I was surrounded with ripples of Light, white Light cleansing me, healing me, waves upon waves of glorious Light. Like the pages of a book all pain washed away just like the waves of the ocean. YAH'SHUA started to close the tunnel, the tiny eye of pain that I had let domineer my walk with My SAVIOUR. I felt for the first time in months alive and worth a lot more that I had ever let myself believe. GLORY BE TO YAHWEH!

(Salt Lake City, Utah, USA, ca. 2003)