But I certainly do that when I rely only on myself.
I put myself above Yahweh when I run from my past, because I am so sure that facing it would destroy me.
I put myself above Yahweh when I refuse to ask for help.
I put myself above Yahweh when I do not allow Him or others to love me.
I put myself above Yahweh when I dare not risk loving others.
I put myself above Yahweh when I dig my heels in and refuse to come out of hiding.
How can I save myself?
How can I give myself answers that I do not have?
Yet....over and over I do it and always I am left frustrated, as if somehow "this time" would be different.
One of my biggest struggles was surrender.
Why? Sure pride was an issue....but deeper than that was the belief that Yahweh ...
Number One...did not have the right to come and claim the credit for keeping me alive......when I believed He was nowhere to be found when it was all happening. " I " am the one that fought and struggled to survive..... " I " am the one that survived the nightmare.. and all without "His" help. How dare He think He had the right to come and demand that I bow at His feet in surrender. (wink- ok, now that is pride)
Now this is a perfect point and case....If Yahweh were really as I believed Him to be...well....He should have struck me dead for defying Him.....but did He? No.....
Instead He reached out to me...He accepted me with all my faults...even my anger. He waited.....He loved....He tried and tried and tried to draw me to Himself. He knew that you don't charge in and by force take a heart that's been wounded....you wait...you love and when the door is opened just a crack....just to take a peek.....just to see if it's safe....that's when His love came to me.....like pure, perfect light. It reached beyond the anger, the fear and the pain....why?....because it was TRUTH and truth always brings life and freedom. When I experienced His love....all else melted away. Boy...am I glad that Yahweh was nothing like I in all my infinite wisdom had believed Him to be.
Number two...surrender meant Trust.....and how could I trust anyone to take care of me and protect me better than myself???? If Yahweh didn't help me back then...why should I trust Him to help me now? How could I know that He would want me and not reject me?
I wanted some kind of guarantee. I wanted to be in control of the process. I wanted Him to PROVE Himself to me. But really...past all that...was a heart afraid to risk...afraid to be rejected by the only One who had the power to save me.
Part of the healing and restoration process is discovering that we have been lied to about Yahweh....over and over and over. It is a painful realization and feels as if the rug has been pulled out from under us, but really it is the beginning of our journey to healing.
So where will we put our trust????? Again I ask....
How Can You Worship Something That Is Not Greater Than Yourself?
If I am honest with myself...I know that I do not have the answers or solutions.....otherwise I would already have fixed myself. So...do I trust in my own judgment which is jaded and distorted...or do I trust in One who is The Great I Am.....the One who knew me before the foundations of the world....the One who loved me too much to live without me...so He came ....risking rejection....He gave His life to buy my freedom...and your freedom as well.
I will proclaim this one truth all my days....that LOVE is the central theme of the Gospel. Not only our pursuing Yahweh.....but discovering that He in fact pursues us.....and all the while we seek for Him...and doubt Him and even sometimes reject Him...He is there. It is He that places within us the desire to know Him. Proof....glorious proof that He is so much greater than we and that His heart toward us is indeed good.
So let us Seek ....let us Trust....let us Worship the One that is not only greater than ourselves...but is The Great I Am. Our Abba Father.