I pray and pour out my heart to Yahweh, giving Him all my fears and anger, my hurts and loniless, and the cloud starts to roll away and I am connected to what really matters, connected to what is truth and what is my life and breath, HIM, His heart, and oh my, such a burden is lifted from me.
Does He embrace me? Of course He does, but He doesn't stop there and say, "Now, now, it's ok my beloved, you are all safe now, let's just stay right here", no no, He takes me deeper into Himself, which is of course what I want, or so I think, but as I sink deeper into Him, it's like the layers of self-will, independence, pride, (and pride can come in many forms, most of which we justify) all these sins are exposed. No, no, I cry, I don't want to see this, come on, please, I just need YOU, yet I know even as I speak the words that having Him, knowing Him, being close to Him means letting go of everything that would keep my heart in darkness and keep any part of me from belonging completely to Him.
There are no words to describe how He works inside the heart.The greatest shame and sorrow a heart could know is being confronted with the damage caused by sin, be it acts forced upon us or things we have embraced, the damage erodes from the inside and builds walls on the outside to keep Him out, and all the while we die inside. Yet, He so gently takes us into Himself, breaking down walls and taking us into the waters of His love and washing, cleansing and soothing all our wounds and scars.
Wonderful yes? Absolutely and tears spill down my cheeks as I rejoice in tasting of His glory, being in His presence, knowing I am forgiven and am His beloved. And so I talk to Him and tell Him, "Oh Yah'shua, you are my all in all, You are all that my heart needs and You are more than enough and it's You who will meet all my needs, on and on I go, proclamation after proclamation, which I truly mean, but within moments of getting up and getting on with the demands of the day, pow, there it is, FEAR! No, no! And the enemy wastes no time, he immediately starts his accusations, "see, you liar, you said HE was all you needed, and look at you now, worried that those you love won't take care of your heart or love you, what a big fake you are!" and he laughs and laughs and I feel like an utter failure.
What happened? Arrghh! I am frustrated, but Yah'shua simply shows me how
I could never have kept such a self vow. He did not create me to live and thrive on my own, yes He is the foundation of all that is in our lives and world, but He also created us for relationship with each other, He created us for family.
Is it true "religion" if our relationship with Yah'shua keeps us as an island unto ourselves? Oh believe me, I know about betrayal and hurt, I know what it is to feel you can never really trust again, and yet we must.Ah I see it now
"And yes, it is hard! It can be downright scary to put your heart out there, and the heart is what matters, not going through the motions. We must love!
But what if I get hurt? What if they don't respond or acknowledge me? Some would say, "Oh, but you don't know my husband, or "You don't know my wife!" That's the scariest isn't it? Someone you love so dearly, and daring to risk when your heart wants to draw back and protect itself.
And it all brings us right back to Ya'shua, because we cannot do this in and of ourselves, can't be done. We can't control everything around us, and least of all other people. We cannot control their choices or actions, but what we can do is trust Yah'shua. What we can do is trust that He is always in control and anything that touches our lives, He has allowed and if He has allowed it, then He has a plan and it will be for our good and for His glory.
What choice do we have? We say we love Him, and we bask in His presence when things are wonderful and yes we want to stay up on that mountain top, but we cannot. We must share His love, His hope and His salvation and as the old saying goes, "you may be the only bible some people ever read".
Yah'shua reminded me of a book I had read some time back and told me to look at the chapter called Doubt, and so I did and ouch!!!
Hannah Whitall Smith in her book, The Christian's Secret To A Happy Life, says :
"In fact, most Christians have settled down under their doubts, as to a sort of inevitable malady, from which they suffer acutely, but to which they must try to be resigned as a part of the necessary discipline of this earthly life. And they lament over their doubts as a man might lament over his rheumatism, making themselves out as an "interesting case" of especial and peculiar trial, which requires the tenderest sympathy and the utmost consideration.
"And this is too often true of believers, who are earnestly longing to enter upon the life and walk of faith, and who have made perhaps many steps towards it. They have got rid, it may be, of the old doubts that once tormented them, as to whether their sins are really forgiven, and whether they shall, after all, get safe to Heaven; but they have not got rid of doubting. They have simply shifted the habit to a higher platform. They are saying, perhaps, "Yes, I believe my sins are forgiven, and I am a child of God through faith in Jesus Christ. I dare not doubt this any more. But then--" And this "but then" includes an interminable array of doubts concerning every declaration and every promise our Father has made to His children. One after another they fight with them and refuse to believe them, until they can have some more reliable proof of their being true, than the simple word of their God. And then they wonder why they are permitted to walk in such darkness, and look upon themselves almost in the light of martyrs, and groan under the peculiar spiritual conflicts they are compelled to endure.
"Spiritual conflicts! Far better would they be named did we call them spiritual rebellions! Our fight is to be a fight of faith, and the moment we doubt, our fight ceases and our rebellion begins."
Abba Father my heart's desire to live and walk in faith, trusting You and daring to risk being open and loving others. Please forgive me for doubting you, and worse making it out to be something honorable, my burden to bear. I know that I am Your beloved and I know that You will watch over me, hiding me beneath Your wings, guiding and empowering me to live and love through Your heart. Thank You for accepting me where I am, and I trust You to not let me stay stuck there but to draw me closer to You and in doing so change, restore, heal and purify my heart.
Amen.
