For those of us who are “second-generation”
Christians, our ‘survival rate’ is unfortunately very low — even amongst the
homeschooled variety, of whom I am mainly referring to. It would be
easy to become sidetracked on the many causes for this falling away, but let’s
now look at the effect; we of the ‘second-generation’ who desire to remain
steadfast and faithful to God’s ways, and unpolluted by the world, are an
endangered species! As is also often the case
with an endangered species — isolation from others of the same kind is one of
our greatest enemies. As an example; how many young Christian men do you know,
or have known of, who, being in their late 20’s, 30’s or even 40’s, are still
unmarried — some of them still desperately searching for a suitable young lady
to be their wife — others having given up their search in despair? If those who
spring to my mind are anything to go by, I’m sure you can think of an
improportionate number who fit into that category. I’ve just used believing men
here as an example — though I’m sure there are many faithful young women who
find themselves in a similar predicament — but now, please start counting the
number of weddings you have known of, within Godly circles over the past 5 years
(you should only need one hand). Something tells me it’s time we had a close
look at the way we do things, because something’s not working...
Too many parents are failing their children, and too
many children are failing their parents and their God. It’s simply unacceptable
— yet many parents seem to accept it with a shrug and say; “Well it’s their
life now — it’s up to them — if they sink... that’s just too bad, because I’ve
done my bit...” and too many children just cruise straight through life,
ignoring the consequences of their actions, and forgetting how many of their
brothers and sisters or friends are watching their example, looking for a
role-model.Now — suppose you do meet the right young lady, or a suitable young
gentleman... What next?
New
Ground...
With so few real role-models worthy of following, many
young Christian folk, whom you’d think would know better, falter at this point,
whilst others, also through a lack of good guidance and suitable examples, just
don’t know what is right and wrong when it comes to this most important, yet
wonderful aspect of life — courtship. Indeed, often it’s not a case of an
easily defined ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, but more, what’s proper and what’s
improper. When we begin courting the one we may think is going to be our
future bride or bridegroom, we’re suddenly on new ground, where we’ve never been
before — where we probably haven’t seen anyone else before — and in most cases,
our parents haven’t been there either, having in all likelihood been brought up
with the world’s ways of dating, and so on.
In order to do all things “decently and in
order,” (1st Corinthians 14:40) we are left with what evidence we can find
in the Bible, and the examples left to us from more Godly societies, in more
Godly places, at more Godly times in the past.As unfortunately very little is
actually written specifically concerning courtship in the Bible, we must go by
the general principles found through-out.
Arranged
Marriages?
Most of the examples we find in the Bible seem to
indicate more of an arranged marriage situation, which may not necessarily seem
all that agreeable with some, but I think that if things are ‘arranged’ by all
who are involved — the parents of the young woman, the young woman herself, the
young man, and his parents — then it is a much safer and more satisfactory
method of choosing a future spouse, than those used in our society today. After
all, our parents are generally much older and wiser than we, having been both
young and old — and thus probably can see more clearly, without our clouds of
emotion to inhibit their judgement on what is indeed best for us in the long
run. I certainly am not, for a moment, suggesting that a son, or daughter, is in
any way obliged to marry against their will — for what righteous father, with
the best interests of his daughter at heart, would ask her to marry a man she
did not love? Even in the case of Isaac and Rebekah, we read;
“And they said, ‘We will call the damsel and
enquire at her mouth.’
“And they called Rebekah, and said unto
her, ‘Wilt thou go with this man?’ And she said, ‘I will go.’”
(Genesis 24:57 & 58)
But what I am saying, is that Rebekah’s marriage to
Isaac was still arranged with her parents, as with many of the examples we are
given in the Bible. To mention but a few;
“...and he [Jethro] gave Moses
Zipporah his daughter...” (Exodus 2:21)
“...and he [Caleb] gave
him [Othniel the son of Kenaz] Achsah his daughter to wife...” (Joshua
15:17)
“And he [Samson] came up, and told his father and
his mother, and said, ‘I have seen a woman in Timnath ...now therefore,
get her for me to wife...” (Judges 14:2)
Be this as it may, however, just remembering at the
very least, that the permission of a young lady’s father ought to be sought at
every step of the courtship/engagement (betrothal)/marriage process.
Godly
Standards
The Bible places great emphasis on the reputation of
a young woman. For instance, in the law, if a man untruthfully claimed that the
young woman he was marrying had not kept herself pure prior to
marriage;
“And the elders of that city shall take that man
and chastise him... because he hath brought up an evil name upon a virgin of
Israel...” (Deuteronomy 22:18—19)
Thus, following the principle illustrated here, we
must be careful not only in the way we actually behave (if the man’s accusation
proved correct in this instance, the young woman would have been stoned to
death) but also we must be aware of the way our behaviour is perceived by
others, so that a young woman’s honour and reputation cannot be tainted by
rumours, or the suspicions of others, and that no “reviling accusation”
may be brought against us. Thus, the “out-of-date” and “old-fashioned”
concept of chaperoning for courting couples is justified as having much merit in
it. In other words, an unmarried, unbetrothed man and woman should not be
together out of sight of others who can be called upon as witnesses to their
chaste conduct.
Down through history, within most God-fearing nations
of the ‘western’ world, we find much more clearly defined social rules for
preserving chastity within society. For instance, up until around a hundred
years ago, within many various European cultures, if a man so much as greeted a
young woman by her first name, without first obtaining permission to court her
from her father, he could reasonably expect to be warned in no uncertain terms
(either verbally or physically...) by the young maiden’s Father or older
brothers. Though of course this is going to extremes, compare that with today’s
standards!
Doing it
Right!
It was the expected duty of the young man — if a
young lady had taken his fancy, and he wanted to become better acquainted with
her, with a view to marriage — to go and speak with her Father and formally
request permission to court his daughter. In this manner, the young man would
know where he stood with his potential Father-in-law right from the start — the
daughter would know that she was hiding nothing from her parents, and could
therefore be more open with them, in seeking advice, etc., — the Father would
know what his daughter was doing, and could expect to see more of the young man,
and to get to know his potential son-in-law better (or if, on the other hand,
the man was, for some reason ineligible, or in some way offensive enough to make
him unsuitable as a husband, he could steer him away from his daughter right at
the beginning) and those looking on would understand where the young couple
stood, and that all things were again being done decently and in
order...
Once this permission has been obtained, I think it a
wise and proper thing that any show of intimacy be reserved until the couple are
betrothed, again for the sake of the young lady’s reputation. To an extent, I
think at this stage the finer points of proper conduct during courtship, and
then engagement, have to be governed by what the young lady’s father determines
as acceptable — and the young couple’s conscience.
An appropriate piece of advice I once read, dating
back to around the time we were talking of, when virtue was still a part of
society, went something like this; 'Young men — until marriage,
always treat a lady as you would have another man treat your future wife — for
as yet you do not know whether this lady will indeed be your
wife...’ And I think that makes a good benchmark by which
to judge all our actions in this area — don’t you?
When things were done in a manner somewhat like this
— when society had a stable, time-tested moral framework and known guidelines
based on chastity at all times — we had a much more pleasant society where we
would all have known where we stood, and right and wrong were clearly defined.
In such an environment, one could be truly happy at a wedding, because we’d know
that both bride and groom had kept themselves pure for each other, right up
until that most important of all days in their lives — and one could truly
rejoice at hearing of the arrival of a new-born baby, because we’d know the
mother was married to its proud father, and the child would grow up in a Godly
home.
Therefore, let us aim at getting back to that way,
where men truly behave as chivalrous gentlemen, and women are virtuous ladies —
and where there cannot be any opportunity for doubts to be raised about our
conduct.
Author: JM